


At the end of everything, hang on to anything

by second lancaster (neenlancaster)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Jon is clearly with Martin in this but it's not the focus of the work, big rambling mess, discussion of ep 160, it's also vent, it's literally just about Martin and his reactions to stuff, kind of?, no surprise there because I use fanfic to feel better about my own problems, who never
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:28:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22194058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neenlancaster/pseuds/second%20lancaster
Summary: Martin had a few thoughts after the events of the Watcher's Crown. Especially about choices, his place in life and how to move on. He also had a lot of choked sobs and despair filled screams, but the best he could do was just... think. This is basically that.A super short character study of one of the most resilient out there.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Kudos: 18





	At the end of everything, hang on to anything

**Author's Note:**

> Seen as his mother died and kinda hated him, his friend blew himself up, he basically has depression and the world ended, I think he deserved a bit of closure.
> 
> Not a total downer because it's also a fic I wrote in one sitting while trying to not cry over how the world is fucked up! So yeah!
> 
> Inspired in part by Love Run (Intro) by The Amazing Devil because it's a good song and makes me want to do things.

The day the world died wasn't particularly noticeable. He thought things were sometimes supposed to change, and he had, in a way, signed up for this, hadn't he?

That was the catch though. He hadn't. Martin Blackwood never intended to make things so complicated for himself and everybody else. He hadn't intended on losing co-workers and friends and- He didn't plan on losing Jon. He knew it wasn't his fault but when had that made the guilt stop? Because his friend was dead and Jon was gone and no one ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't asked for this.

But then Jon came back. And for a moment, he thought things would go back to being okay. As okay as they could be, anyway. The world would remake itself and shape itself to be better.

We all know how that turned out, though.

Elias liked to say they all made choices. With all due respect, that was utter bullshit. Because Martin had to watch as the world he knew burned for a second time. As his love was consumed by something that he wasn't sure he could trust. He wasn't sure Jon was really Jon, not always. And all that? He never chose any of it.

He had tried to take himself out of the game. Isolation, vanishing. Leaving things untouched. But it ends up that not playing counts as clicking the clock a bit closer to the final move. 

And now there he was. Standing with Jon in his arms, his body shaking under the coldness of the eyes that stare them down. Knowing, more intimately than the Eye ever could, that he was not to blame. Knowing he had tried and given up and tried again. He knew it shouldn't hurt so much to finally get the end he could have seen coming all this time. An ending that he had, whether he wanted to remember or not, helped achieve. But Knowing didn't mean anything anymore. 

His heart still ached, his hands still shook and he still wished he could escape. Martin wanted to feel the embrace of the nothingness again, because then, at least, he knew he wouldn't feel blood sticking to his clothes and tainting his hands. He would feel absolutely nothing, and that was better than this.

Blaming himself was easier than to feel like his choices didn't matter at all, not even in his own life anymore. That maybe, he never had a choice in the first place. That he was a pawn, a wager. Not supposed to even last that long.

Still, Martin stood. Never had the phrase "the day you die will be like any other day" rang more true, in such an unexpected way. No one ever expects the way the labyrinth will turn next, and so nobody expects life to twist like it does. Looking back, you are never sure what you could change to fix it all. Maybe restarting would bring the same result. Maybe the universe didn't care and never would.

As the day grew darker, the eyes in the sky blinked. A chill ran up his spine and Martin took Jon's hand, heading back inside. 

"Come, I will make us tea", he said, and didn't bother to look back to see if the sky followed him with its gaze.

Maybe the universe was a big bastard who didn't give a shit, but Martin wasn't. And maybe Jon wasn't Jon anymore, but Martin was still himself. Maybe this was a bit his fault but nothing ever got done crying spilled milk. Everyone, since he was a child, thought his kindness was a weakness. But now, it was an act of resistance. It was fuelled by anger and hurt and grief. It was setting a stone on top of another and watching as the tower you build crumbles every winter, but building it back up each time.

Martin Blackwood was not a pawn. His life was not a wager. He had memories and feelings and thoughts and the ability to control who he was. What he was. Because when everything else fails, you can still refuse to cave in. He didn't have the luxury of secrets or privacy but he had agency.

He didn't care if the fear running through his veins wanted to consume him. If the self-loathing tried to choke him. He was going to make a cup of tea and he would do so even now.

He was Martin Blackwood, and he was going to survive this.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! If you want to share your own thoughts about all of this mess, hmu at tumblr at jell-hell or just comment down below <3


End file.
